We Wish You The Best
after Brenda Miller
October 12, 2007
Dear Aspiring Dancer,
Thank you for auditioning to be in the Nutcracker; we can tell just
how far this was out of your comfort zone. We appreciate that when you dance,
your arms flail all over the place like palm trees during a Category 5 Hurricane,
you maintain a comical lack of flexibility even after four years of
attempting to be anything but a human tree branch, and you will
not stop talking to your neighbor about the movie Enchanted,
no matter how loud we play Tchaikovsky as a sign to tell you
to shut up. We are pleased to offer you the role of “Party Boy,” if you would
like to accept it. Although we know you’re not a boy, your masculine energy
and willful desire to never stay on task inspires us to give you this opportunity,
and also to check with your parents to see if they’ve asked a
doctor if you have ADHD. And don’t worry, when the time comes to actually
perform, we know a hairstyle that will make you look like an ethnic
Rachel Maddow.
Best wishes in your future endeavors,
Ballet Palm Beach
April 30, 2009
Dear Nine-Year-Old Bigfoot,
Thank you for your interest in being able to find a pair of shoes literally
anywhere. We understand that being able to share shoes with your mom is
not the luxury she tries to convince you it is, because she shops at
Ann Taylor Loft and you refuse to wear anything that doesn’t say
“Abercrombie and Fitch” on it. We encourage you to stop using InPrivate
browsing to research “reducing shoe size” and to just accept the fact that
maybe you’ll at least end up being tall and someone will approach you in
public and ask you to model for them.
Regards,
The mint green Converse that
were too good to come in size 9
PS: You are not gullible because your hand can
cover your face. You just have big hands.
July 9, 2011
Dear Incoming Sixth Grader,
We regret to inform you that the dandruff your mother discovered a couple
of weeks ago due to excessive scratching is in fact genetic and will require
three additional kinds of shampoo in the shower. Though the self-control you
possess by avoiding picking at your scalp and making it bleed will do wonders
for your social life as a middle-schooler, you will not be invited to any “parties”
unless they are of the Bar or Bat Mitzvah sort. But that’s okay; not every eleven-
year-old has to be popular. We wish you the best of luck in becoming friends with
the “alternative” crowd.
Xoxo,
Your genetics
May 14, 2013
Dear Family Outcast,
Thank you for your query to ostracize yourself from your parents. We
know they have forced you to “get ahead of the game” and learn
Algebra four months in advance of your eighth grade year, and while
we sympathize with the universal pain of putting letters and numbers
together, there is nothing we can do to remove you from this situation.
Considering your complete and utter lack of mathematical abilities, we
do want to commend your many efforts in attempting to get out of yet
another year of Alphanumeric Boot Camp, especially since later that
summer, you got lice, and thought there was no way that you could
simultaneously solve for x and get de-lice-ified. We hope you know
that your parents calling math lessons combined with nit-picking
“Hairy Math” wasn’t fun for them either, even if you did kindly
offer them the opportunity to switch the radio station to The
Oldies Channel while they were combing bugs out of your hair. We
look forward to seeing you in therapy in 4 to 6 years.
Cheers,
Your Buried
Childhood Trauma
December 5, 2016
Dear Hopeless Romantic,
Thank you for your application to become the girlfriend of a guy who
already has a boyfriend. That’s on you; you thought he was single. And
that he might be bi. It must have slipped your mind that attending a
high school for the arts means that all four straight guys who aren’t
assholes are already dating blonde, leggy dancers. It’s not your fault
that this gay guy was taking Multivariable Calculus as a senior,
and as a girl with math professor parents, you found that incredibly alluring.
That one’s on Freud. Thank you again for your desire to find love. Don’t worry,
after obsessively checking your annual horoscope for six years straight
hoping for even a pleasurable hook-up, you’ll find someone who has not
only passed Calculus, but is also really good at financial auditing. And he’s straight.
Sincerely,
The Gay/Straight Alliance
at Dreyfoos School of the Arts
February 28, 2018
Dear Catastrophe Hebrew School Teacher,
Thank you for preaching to a generation of young minds that you don’t
think God is real. Additionally, although we realize that Hebrew School can
be worse than regular school, that in no way gives you an excuse to show your
students which bathroom the administrators never check so they can
squat on top of a toilet instead of performing “Oseh Shalom” in front of a
bunch of old people for the millionth time. We are also grateful for your
commitment to teaching eight-year-olds that the only reason to get
bar mitzvahed is because of “the manischewitz wine” and “the after party.”
We know these interests will serve you well in college.
Yours truly,
The Youth Education
Program at Temple
Judea
March 20, 2020
Dear Frequent Zillow User,
We appreciate your interest in apartments located in Greenwich Village in
New York City. However, because the response your father gave when you
asked him if you had a trust fund was “What’s that?” it is highly unlikely that
you will be living there anytime soon unless all of your family dies within the next two
to five years and you sell their body parts for money. I know you say it is your dream
to live inside of a trash can with a rat as a roommate in the East Village, but I’m not
sure you’ll even be able to afford that. We wish you every possible success living
with your parents for the foreseeable future. At least they enjoy doing your laundry.
Regards,
A fluctuating post-pandemic economy
May 1, 2021
Dear Prestige Whore,
We are pleased to inform you that after being rejected from 11
colleges, attending the university your high school’s counselor told
you to not even consider because it was “way below you” is the
best decision you have ever made. Once a proud pessimist because
you thought it reflected emotional maturity, you have become one of
those people who are in love with every flower petal and every ray of light,
every conversation that goes until 2 a.m and every professor who’s gone
out of their way to help you succeed. Some days you are so deliriously
happy that you worry something horrible is going to happen
just to maintain the universe’s karmic balance. But that thought
doesn’t strike you as often as it used to. We encourage you to keep
finding beauty in everything. It’s served you well.
Sincerely,
A Newborn
Epicurean
Optimist